Am I codependent? Here’s how to tell….and what to do about it
Codependency is a nuanced concept, often intertwined with the notion of care. It's not only normalised in our culture - it’s actively encouraged, especially for women.
So how do you separate codependency and care? Here are a few symptoms of codependency…
Signs of codependency
Prioritising others' needs over your own
Struggling with confrontation
Inability to set boundaries
Poor decision-making skills
Overcommitting and doing more than your fair share
Embracing martyrdom
An extreme need for approval
Not being able to separate your feelings from the feelings of others
Here’s how the dictionary defines ‘care’
The provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.
Serious attention or consideration applied to doing something correctly or to avoid damage or risk.
You can see why it’s tricky to separate the two.
Here are three ways I’ve learned to distinguish care and codependency:
Care for another must not negate care for the self over a long period of time. A feeling os resentment or long term martyrdom is a sign you are going beyond care and into the realm of codependency
Define your roles in relation to other people. ‘Care’ does not encompass hyper vigilance around making sure no one’s feelings are ever hurt, everyone approves of your decisions or keeping the peace
Care does not mean everyone likes you
Care does not mean allowing yourself to be treated badly
It's crucial to acknowledge that, while mothers may temporarily sideline their needs for their children, this isn't normal. Normal is a village collectively raising a child, providing a support network around mothers so they are still able to care for themselves.
Recognising codependent tendencies becomes even more important due to the immense pressure on women and mothers as primary caregivers and the lack of support they receive from the culture around them.
At its core, codependence emerges when you lose touch with your true self and anchor your identity to someone else or multiple people.
Recovery from codependency demands courage because over-caring is rewarded in our culture
But here’s what happens when to do move beyond codependency. You have:
More time to pursue passions
Clarity about your own needs, values, and goals
Improved relationship dynamics through setting boundaries with kindness
Respect and better behavior from your children
Freedom from unhealthy friendships and love relationships
Increased self-esteem and confidence
An ability to prioritise your highest values
Here are some suggestions for healing from codependency:
Be compassionate with yourself. You are not alone!
Educate yourself about codependency
Initiate conversations about it with your partner and friends
Join a support group
Consider seeking the guidance of a coach
Establish meaningful relationship goals to replace codependency
While codependency may be deeply ingrained due to cultural encouragement, awareness empowers you to make different choices. You may still encounter anxiety when loved ones struggle, but now you know you have other options. It's not your responsibility to fix others; your job is to stay, as Dr. Becky Kennedy phrases it, 'Good Inside.'
Recovering from codependency can be a significant aspect of your family vision. Focus on the rewards that await on the other side and stay committed. If you need assistance, I offer 1:1 coaching to focus on the specifics of your situation. Reach out; help is available.
Geordie x
