The number one mistake codependents make in relationships…
Have you ever been in the situation where you keep trying to ‘fix’ a relationship problem by talking to your partner and it just goes around in circles with no resolution?
Me too.
I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes talking things through isn’t the answer.
When these things are happening, it might be time to stop talking with your partner:
- He’s clamming up and not telling you how he’s feeling or using avoidance tactics or addictions
- You’re getting frustrated with each other’s lack of understanding
- He can’t see your point of view and you’re expending energy trying to make him understand
- You feel anxious and emotionally unsafe when you think about the subject
If there’s one thing codependently-inclined folk (like myself!) can’t stand, it’s letting things go. My natural tendency is to fixate on an issue and draw my husband in to discussions until we’ve wrestled it to the ground. Over the years, we’ve discovered better ways of dealing with emotionally triggering subjects.
What to do when talking it through isn’t working
1. Zoom out and pay attention to other relationships
I’m not talking about having an affair with your co-worker, I’m referring to the relationship you have with you authentic self, with your children, friends, the land you live on and the people you meet throughout the day.
Often the answers to our issues arrive when we let them go. I’ve found insights in synchronistic conversations with strangers, interactions with animals and just by simply walking along the beach. Zoom out to a place that encompasses your relationship with the whole world, and return refreshed. The solution will arrive unannounced.
2. Work with the emotional pain that comes up
For codependents, letting go of controlling and managing relationships can be so excruciating that it feels downright impossible. The anxiety ramps up to a level that feels out of control – similar to the withdrawal symptoms a drug addict might experience. We are addicted to managing relationships.
It’s essential to have a tool kit to cope with these overwhelming feelings as they arise and avoid returning to your old way of being. I recommend guided breathwork and guided Trigger Meditation that help to reprogram safety into the unconscious mind as you learn how to zoom out and trust.
3. Use my go-to journaling prompts for anxiety around relationships
· Where is the fear/anxiety/anger in your body
· What thoughts are you having about this issue, get them onto paper and highlight the beliefs and assumptions you’re having
· Ask for inner guidance on what you need and figure out how to give it to yourself
4. Move your body
Go for a walk and nurture your relationships with place, animals, strangers in the street (smile – get out of your head!), clouds, the earth.
For codependents, it’s life-changing to learn that there are more beautiful and effective ways to relate to ourselves, other people and the world that indirectly result in healthy relationships..
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