Why learning self-regulation is the #1 tool for parents
How to get help for your mental health.
A few years ago, I was deep in the trenches of stay-at-home motherhood. And struggling, big time.
In an effort to gain control of the situation, I found a family therapist who I hoped would give me strategies for behaviour management and home organisation.
Instead, what I got was an understanding that feeling bad about myself all the time was the root of all of my problems. And it was life changing.
I discovered that the relationship issues, disorganisation and chaos in our home were not the cause of my bad feelings but a reflection of them.
Learning self-regulation
With the help of my coach, I stopped trying to control the people around me and started exploring the beliefs, patterns, emotions and habits that were at the root of my low self-worth and constant sense of guilt and shame.
This was the beginning of self-regulation for me – simply having an awareness of my emotional landscape and the behaviours that were stemming from it.
In the space of a few months, I began to lose the sense of guilt and shame that had, unbeknownst to me, been with me for years. This allowed me to get back into the driver’s seat of my own life and the direction of our family – all without having to implement any strategies to control others.
Here are 3 reasons why learning self-regulation is the most effective parenting strategy:
Words don’t teach but actions do
You want your kids to be emotionally intelligent, right? Maybe – if you’re really onto it -you’ve even taught them to feel and name their emotions. But can you do this effectively for yourself and can you embody it fully?
Doing the deep work of understanding the origins of chronic anxiety, apathy or even shame will allow you to show, as well as tell your children what emotional intelligence looks like. Powerful stuff.
2. Your energy and emotions dramatically influence your children’s behaviour
Ever tried to pretend you’re not angry with your kids, only for one of them to act out in inexplicable ways or ask, “Why are you so angry?”
No one can bring us to our knees the way our children can. They are masters of seeing through our pasted-on smiles and ‘kind’ words to the raw emotions we’re trying to hide.
You can’t hide your emotions from your kids, and the faster you learn to befriend and process your feelings in a healthy way, the better you will be able to influence your children’s behaviour.
3. You’re able to help your kids with their own challenges
It’s very difficult to help a child who is suffering from anxiety if you’re incredibly anxious yourself. Believe me, I know.
Watch out for when your child’s emotions trigger your own anxiety and remember that when you’re in an anxious state, you’re not positioned to help them effectively.
As part of self-regulation, I’ve learned ways to quickly pacify my own anxiety, to self-soothe. This involves talking to myself like a child (in my head) and it really helps me to regulate my own emotions, thoughts and beliefs before I respond. Once I’m feeling soothed, I can show up and listen to my kids talk through challenges without making them mine. Even if I can only do this 30-50% of the time, it makes a huge difference to the overall quality of our relationship.
Contrary to what culture tells mothers (“don’t be selfish”), focusing on ourselves first can make us more effective and loving parents.
Need help dealing with strong emotions or triggers in your parenting journey? Book a coaching session or download my powerful guided meditation for transforming triggers into self-knowledge and empowerment.
